No Shame

I cried at the end of Yoga class tonight. I often do. As I sat there, still, focusing on my breathe, listening to the soft music, and making my mind still - my thoughts drifted to the phrase "let go." It's something I struggle with, letting go. But I think that's part of why I write - and do so publicly. It adds a layer of accountability to my growth. I must continue to improve, to better understand myself, so that I can achieve a more steady, consistent feeling of inner peace. I have no shame in admitting my flaws - I have many. I have no shame in sharing who I truly am. My mistakes, my flaws, my weaknesses, they are as much a part of me as the strength and wisdom I have gained in my short 32 years. They are an honest account of who I am.

I had a new close friend recently tell me I was one of the most loyal and true people she has ever known. And not only as a friend to her, but to myself, to my emotions, and to whatever is going on at any given time in my life. This is by far the greatest compliment I have ever received. She did not tell me all the great things there are about me. She told me I was real. And that my realness and honesty are why she values me. I am so grateful to see that there are people who appreciate me for my honesty, my rawness, and my forthcoming nature. By design, I am not one to hide. I face life, and all it's obstacles head on. I may make mistakes and push people away in the process, but I would not be true to myself if I did anything less.

So, I cried after Yoga tonight. I cried because I am struggling to let go of a life I once knew. I am struggling because I am growing. I am struggling because I am human. We are all struggling. There is no shame in that.

I do not Believe in Time

Over the passage of time, we become more wise. But wisdom is only gained when it is prefaced with reflection. And reflection takes time. Whether I want to or not, I find myself in a constant state of reflection. Trying to either come to peace with the bad, or reminisce in the good, I am a daydreamer of epic proportions. I find myself stuck in reflection mode quite often, clinging to the happy, glossing over the gloom - not a bad way to be. But utterly unrealistic and useless. More simply put, I get stuck in my own past. As we all tend to do from time to time. But when I have a few moments of clarity, of wisdom, I gain a profound inner peace. A peace that can be found only after the amount of time necessary to reflect as much as I need in order to let go of whatever memory or attachment to which I cling.

Yet, I fear this passage of time. I seem to have little to no control over wrangling the amount of it this process takes, and I feel as though I am wasting time thinking. (Is a thought ever a waste? I wonder...). Although seemingly necessary to get from Point A (a state of uncontrollable emotion) to Point B (a state of inner peace), I can never seem to embrace the healing power of time. My impatience is my weakness. As I watch the days, weeks, months tick by, as I reflect - I still push to speed up the job only time can do. And in the process, often create more problems, thereby requiring even more time to pass before I can once again reach Point B.

Time. My precious enemy. I need you but I don't want to wait. I fear between now and then I am missing moments that would be far more fulfilling than this purgatory I have entered. I want to tell the people I love, I love them NOW! I don't want to wait for the time to be right. The time is right now. Tomorrow, the people I love could be gone. Time, you are impermanent. You are fleeting. You are not real. Your passage heals only because our minds are too slow, we are too distracted, we do not focus on what is truly important. We are not present minded, so we create this illusion of time to comfort our feeble hearts and trick ourselves into believing in "someday..." There is no someday, there is no time - there is only now.

Stream of consciousness...

Smart people = crazy/eccentric people… I love Norman because of all the eclectic businesses and eccentric people. The town has a charm that is perpetuated by the people. And I have something in common with them all… we all chose to live out our lives in the place that makes us the happiest. This is the place I first called home. Despite growing up in a small town of my own… I never knew what home felt like until I moved to Norman. I learned that home wasn’t just the four walls around you. A late realization for a 21 year old, most of my friends knew what home us long before me. 

But those people,  most of the people I knew in high school, weren’t my friends. I know now they were mere acquaintances along my path. A path that was very very different than theirs. A path less travelled. I believe those of us who choose a less travelled path, whether it be conscious or subconscious, want to be able to tell a grand story at the end of our lives. And we want it to be true. I have a hard time sitting still in my life for too long because I’m afraid of missing out on an experience in life. 

Now… what you find to be an interesting or worthwhile life experience may differ from my definition. In fact, I’m sure it probably does. I’m learning that perhaps I want to experience the full emotional spectrum of life. This makes me reckless from time to time. Like a need for another bump, I seek-out self-destruction. All for my next high… the next emotional speedway I can crash my heart into. Only then am I living. Feeling a higher high, or lower low then I’ve ever felt before. Before – when I was safe, trying to follow the beaten path. I failed… happily – because it meant adding a chapter to my story. The story of my life… written from my home, safe and sound.

Dear Sofia,

Dear Sofia,

Although you are just a baby, I have BIG dreams for you! I hope someday you have big dreams too. I want you to grow up to be whatever your heart desires, and I hope to have a happy, healthy relationship with you for the rest of my life!

I'd like to make you some promises that I hope will help you achieve your dreams and give you the mother-daughter relationship that you deserve.

First, I promise to always listen to you...

While you are a baby, I will listen to your cries and respond promptly, when you learn to talk, I will listen to your babbles intently and talk back. When you grow into a young lady, I will listen to your problems and share my experiences with you so that I may be your guide. And when, finally, you become an adult, I promise to continue to listen to you with the same intensity as I did when you were a child. I will be open to learning from your experiences (because they will be different than mine) and will take your critics of myself seriously, working each day to be the mother you deserve - even in adulthood.

Next, I promise to always put your needs before my own...

Whether your needs are financial, emotional or physical, I will always make sure you are taken care of, no matter my personal sacrifice. While you are a baby, I will sacrifice my sleep so that you are well rested and feel secure. When you grow into a child, I will forego new clothes or other luxuries so that you can take dance lessons and be a ballerina (or whatever other dream your heart desires). When you become a teen and begin to struggle with defining yourself and making adult choices, I will put aside my own emotional stress and give you advice that is best for you (and not only given to make myself feel better). And when you are an adult, and have a baby of your own one day, I will again sacrifice sleep and physical comfort so that I can be there for you (emotionally, physically and financially) during those first few difficult months of your baby's life.

Last, I promise to be your biggest fan and support you always...

When you take your first steps (which won't be long now!) I will clap my hands and rejoice your new found skill! When you fall, I will be there to pick you up, dust you off, and encourage you to try again. When  you, bring home your first "A" from school, I will proudly display it on our fridge. When you bring home your first "F", I will be there to help you study and overcome any challenges you have so that you can succeed. When you bring home your first boyfriend, I will get to know him and try my best to see what you see in him. When you have your first heartbreak, I promise to be your best friend as well as your mom and help you move forward. When you move away for the first time, I promise to help you (no matter how sad it will make me) and call you every week. And if you decide you weren't ready and come home, I'll save a room for you. When you choose your career, I will learn all about what you do and be interested in your work! And when you lose your first job, I'll be there to help you with the bills if needed. And when you become a mom, I will support you with all that I have learned and will continue to learn as you grow into the beautiful woman you will someday be.

My dearest Sofia, these things I promise you and so many many more. Know that no matter where life takes you, I will always be by your side, no matter how old you get or how far apart we are.

Love always,