No Shame

I cried at the end of Yoga class tonight. I often do. As I sat there, still, focusing on my breathe, listening to the soft music, and making my mind still - my thoughts drifted to the phrase "let go." It's something I struggle with, letting go. But I think that's part of why I write - and do so publicly. It adds a layer of accountability to my growth. I must continue to improve, to better understand myself, so that I can achieve a more steady, consistent feeling of inner peace. I have no shame in admitting my flaws - I have many. I have no shame in sharing who I truly am. My mistakes, my flaws, my weaknesses, they are as much a part of me as the strength and wisdom I have gained in my short 32 years. They are an honest account of who I am.

I had a new close friend recently tell me I was one of the most loyal and true people she has ever known. And not only as a friend to her, but to myself, to my emotions, and to whatever is going on at any given time in my life. This is by far the greatest compliment I have ever received. She did not tell me all the great things there are about me. She told me I was real. And that my realness and honesty are why she values me. I am so grateful to see that there are people who appreciate me for my honesty, my rawness, and my forthcoming nature. By design, I am not one to hide. I face life, and all it's obstacles head on. I may make mistakes and push people away in the process, but I would not be true to myself if I did anything less.

So, I cried after Yoga tonight. I cried because I am struggling to let go of a life I once knew. I am struggling because I am growing. I am struggling because I am human. We are all struggling. There is no shame in that.

I do not Believe in Time

Over the passage of time, we become more wise. But wisdom is only gained when it is prefaced with reflection. And reflection takes time. Whether I want to or not, I find myself in a constant state of reflection. Trying to either come to peace with the bad, or reminisce in the good, I am a daydreamer of epic proportions. I find myself stuck in reflection mode quite often, clinging to the happy, glossing over the gloom - not a bad way to be. But utterly unrealistic and useless. More simply put, I get stuck in my own past. As we all tend to do from time to time. But when I have a few moments of clarity, of wisdom, I gain a profound inner peace. A peace that can be found only after the amount of time necessary to reflect as much as I need in order to let go of whatever memory or attachment to which I cling.

Yet, I fear this passage of time. I seem to have little to no control over wrangling the amount of it this process takes, and I feel as though I am wasting time thinking. (Is a thought ever a waste? I wonder...). Although seemingly necessary to get from Point A (a state of uncontrollable emotion) to Point B (a state of inner peace), I can never seem to embrace the healing power of time. My impatience is my weakness. As I watch the days, weeks, months tick by, as I reflect - I still push to speed up the job only time can do. And in the process, often create more problems, thereby requiring even more time to pass before I can once again reach Point B.

Time. My precious enemy. I need you but I don't want to wait. I fear between now and then I am missing moments that would be far more fulfilling than this purgatory I have entered. I want to tell the people I love, I love them NOW! I don't want to wait for the time to be right. The time is right now. Tomorrow, the people I love could be gone. Time, you are impermanent. You are fleeting. You are not real. Your passage heals only because our minds are too slow, we are too distracted, we do not focus on what is truly important. We are not present minded, so we create this illusion of time to comfort our feeble hearts and trick ourselves into believing in "someday..." There is no someday, there is no time - there is only now.